How to be a BAD Hooper


DISCLAIMER: This article is told in a satirical format and may be offensive to some readers.

Satire (n.) The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

So you want to be a BAD hooper, eh? Oh, what's that? You didn't know there was such a thing? Guess again! Even a wholesome, sweet hooper like yourself can cross over to the dark side! Just by following these simple rules, even you can be a bad hooper!

Not Practicing

Rule 1. NEVER PRACTICE It takes great skill and work, to keep from working...that's why you should NEVER EVER practice. Feel free to bring your hoop places, but never actually use it. If you really, really need to, make sure you practice for only short increments of time; ten minutes at most. When other hoopers want to flow with you, ignore them. Better yet, say you'll flow with them, but never show up. If they call, tell them you're on your way, then resume scrolling through tumblr.


Rule 2. Spout negative feedback If you see videos hoopers post, say mean things. Make sure you're not blatantly rude; that's boring. You must perfect your villainous feedback. Instead of saying something like, "You suck," try a more subtle approach such as, "Really?" or, "You'll be better in a few months." Always make sure you make yourself seem more experienced than them. If they ever ask for tips, tell them you'll give them lessons staring at $100 per class, but otherwise, you cannot share anything with them. If you ever see a hooper in public, scowl or sneer at them. Turn to whoever is around and tell them how much better you are.


Rule 3. Post Pictures of Yourself NOT hooping Make sure you post as many pictures on insta, facebook, and tumblr of you with your hoop. It is absolutely VITAL that you are not actually hooping in ANY these pictures; Remember, rule #1. If you are hooping an ANY of your pictures, that completely defeats the purpose of being a "bad" hooper. The point is to show off your "hoop life," without actually having one. Instead of hooping, try doing various poses, or just have your hoop somewhere in the background while you snap a selfie. Remember to always #hooplove.


Rule 4. Entitlement Demand compensation for hooping anywhere; even if it's not a performance. You are a "bad" hooper now, which means you will NEVER hoop for free. If someone catches a peek at you hooping for ten minutes at the park, make sure they give you at least $50 for your show. Ask venues if you're allowed to hoop there. After the manager tells you hoops are allowed for audience members, let them know you expect free admission. If you're bringing your hoop on an airplane, tell the captain you deserve first class, so as not to damage your hula hoop around the simpletons. If you are ever bringing your hoop to a public place, only use it for ten-minutes at a time, in order to keep your skill level as minimal as possible. The only time you should interact for free, is when you're teaching someone a trick. After the trick is taught, send the person a bill for your services. You are too important to ever deal with not being paid.


Rule 5. Be Jealous If entitlement was peanut butter and laziness was jelly, jealousy is your bread. Don't mistake jealousy for envy or motivation. NEVER be happy for someone, it will drain you of your bitch-energy. Refuse to watch any performance that isn't your own. Get angry at your friends when they do a trick that you haven't learned. When people offer to teach you something, tell them you are fully capable of doing the trick, but make up an excuse to why you can't do it right now. Good excuses would be, "The temperature is off," "My hair will get ruined," "I hate this song ," the best one is always, "I don't want to embarrass you." Make sure you are always in a state of jealousy. When other hoopers succeed, retaliate by self-promoting all over their page. Tell people you taught hoopers that are more experienced than you. Make sure EVERYONE is aware that you're the best hooper that ever lived.


Rule 6. Spend Time on Things That Matter Instead of practicing your hoops skills, practice your bitch-face and bad attitude. Only buy an LED hula hoop if you intend on using it as a fashion accessory, make sure you buy the most expensive LED there is, even though it won't get much use, other people will be jealous of you. Jealousy begets jealousy, which is exactly what you need in order to survive. Remember without negativity, you will turn into your worst enemy; a nice, skilled, happy hooper. Spend so much time on your appearance that you can use your accessories and an excuse to why you can't do a double-duck-out or a sliding door. If you look better than another hooper, that will give you more things to make fun of them for. Make sure you point out that you're not sweaty, out of breath, and your hair looks fabulous.


Rule 7. Order Other Hoopers Around Even though you shouldn't ever give positive feedback or free lessons, you should, most certainly, tell other hoopers what to do. Remember that every other hooper is an amateur compared to you. Try to manipulate other hoopers to join the darkside by say things like, "I know you're just teaching that little kid for fun, but you really should ask her mother for at least twenty dollars." When getting ready to go out with another hooper, make them wear clothes that would be impossible to hoop in. Tell other hoopers how qualified they are based on your personal jealousy level. The point of being a bad hooper is to be a beckon of dark matter. Suck flow-fun out of everything and everyone.

These are just the basic rules for how to be a bad hooper. It will take a long time. But, with hard work and diligence, you may be the worst hooper that ever lived!